today wins

i've debated on whether to post this (knowing full well that there are probably 4 people that read this). it's openness to a degree that i'm not comfortable, but i'm stuck at work and have to find some type of outlet before i totally lose it.

i'm sad today. and not in a "rainy days bring me down" sort of way. i mean in a deep, painful, "chasm in my chest" sort of way. we're talking lump in your throat since lunch time sadness. it's been a long time since something like this has happened. the damnable thing is how subtly it happened and how forceful it's been. i was reading the blog of a friend of a friend and came across the following:

My mom called yesterday and told me how badly she wanted to fix this problem for me. That's what she did for me as a kid. She reminded me of the time when I told her I needed some brownies for a class project the night before they were needed. She stayed up all night and made brownies from scratch. She reminded me of all the assignments she patiently helped me on that were due the next day. In general, my mom was queen at saving my butt in hard situations (hey, I'm the youngest, we're spoiled like that). She sat on the phone and wept that she was unable to fix this problem as she has done so many times before. She expressed her longing to make it all okay and right.

I wish she could.

my mom died about 6 1/2 years ago. november 16, 1998 to be exact. it was unexpected and it wrecked me. i dropped out of college, drank ALOT, and gave up on just about everything except for music. i guess this is how i grieve. things have been better for a while. i still get choked up over little things, there are a couple of movies that turn on the faucets, i get a little quiet around the holidays. for the most part, however, i function like a normal, slightly fractured member of society. you wouldn't look at me and think, "wow. i bet that guy's mom died." unless you saw me today.

things like the above make me miss my mother terribly. they sneak up, kick you in the balls when you're looking the other way and then leave you rolling on the floor wondering how it can possibly hurt as bad this time as it did the last. here's the weird thing: i take some strange sort of pride in the fact that i can get my ass kicked by something little like that. to me, it means that i still love my mom as much as i did on november 15, 1998. it means that i still miss her as much i did on november 17, 1998. i don't think about her as much as i used to, but how could i function if i did?

i still see and hear her ghost every now and again. i don't mean that in the sense that i see an apparition or a specter or anything like that. i mean that i hear a voice that's almost just like hers coming from another table at a restaurant, or that i do a triple take at someone in the car beside me driving down the freeway. in some ways, just like the sadness, it's kind've nice for that brief second to think that i see her or hear her. and, just like the sadness, it's gone before it's been there too long.

that's it. that's why i'm sad. here's your daily dose of the replacements:

From the very first day that you were born
to the very last time you waved and honked your horn
had no chance at all to watch you grow
up so sadly, beautiful
up so sadly, beautiful

Baby needs a brand new pair of eyes
cause the ones you got now see only goodbyes
had no chance at all to let you know
oh so sadly, beautiful
sadly, beautiful

Well you got your father's hair
and you got your father's nose
but you got my soul
sadly, beautiful

From the very last time you waved and honked your horn
to a face that turned away pale and worn
had no chance at all to let you know
you left me sadly, beautiful
left me sadly, beautiful
Sadly, beautiful
so sadly
so sadly
"sadly beautiful" from the album all shook down by the replacements

i guess i should also mention that i used the quote above with no permission whatsoever. it'd probably be polite to at least let you know where it came from. joe hays writes a blog that a couple of friends and acquaintances link to in blogs of their own. the quote is an excerpt from this entry:
http://brooklynchurchplant.blogspot.com/2005/04/april-20.html

i know this has been a long one. if you got this far, thanks.