the way i wanna go

i've been thinking about how i want to die. no, i'm not ill and, no, i don't plan on dying anytime soon. i just started thinking about my grandfather's death a few years ago and it got me thinking about my own eventual demise. and in that regard, i've made a decision. i want to die like my grandfather, more or less.

i want to die slowly. i want to know that i'm dying and, while i don't want to be in any pain or anything, i want to have the opportunity to wrap all my stuff up and make sure that everyone and everything i need to take care of is taken care of.

i want to have a "last moment" with my friends and loved ones and be able to express my gratitude and devotion and eternal love to bwe (who at that point will be very old, but still one smokin' hot babe). i want to talk about old vacations and tell stories and do a bunch of "remember whens," maybe even take a last big trip. i want to cry and laugh about it.

i don't want to lose my mind, because i like it very much and i think it's one of my better assets. that's actually my biggest fear, having dementia or alzheimers.

i don't think i'm afraid of dying, as long as it gets to be on terms somewhat similar to this. i'm actually not afraid of death itself because, the way i see it (i'm a church going protestant), i'm a christian and christians go to heaven. what i'm afraid of, other than losing my mind, is leaving my family in a pinch, causing them unnecessary grief or pain, or leaving the land of the living with lots of stuff unsaid. that's how my mom died...just ****WHAMMO**** and she was gone.

so anyway, i know it's a little dark and morbid, but now you know how i wanna go.

does anyone else actually spend time thinking about this? when your number's pulled, what's your preferred method of bitin' the big one?